the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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