only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
