I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
