The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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