the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
