So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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