Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
