You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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