I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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