Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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