people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
