just come out here and I will go home with you...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
