I'm sorry my penis didn't work
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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