mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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