i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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