Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
