mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
