i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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