life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
