she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there was a trapeze. enough said
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Randomize
