In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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