So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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