If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
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crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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