I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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