i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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