I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
