I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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