Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
