Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
