I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
