Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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