My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
