so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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