I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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