My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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