Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
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Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
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I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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