I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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