If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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