Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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