Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Terrible idea I love it
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
