I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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