i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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