remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
