she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
