I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I cockslap morals
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
