All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
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You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
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I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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