Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
