i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This beer is not sobering me up at all
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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