If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
