My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
