I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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