I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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