So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
