Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
